Downloaded from YTS.MX
[cheering and applause]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
Hey!
We ain't gonna make it.
[audience laughing]
I mean, I'm happy you're happy,
but I just think overall as society, we've lost connection.
Everybody arguing. Everybody protesting now.
You go out in the streets, everybody protest.
Let, let me ask y'all a question.
Have you ever been caught in the traffic of a protest you agree with?
[audience laughing]
That's not cool.
Need you to get your ass out the way. I donated money.
E-E-Everybody a liberal 'til you gotta catch a flight,
and then you're like, "Hey, wait a minute.
Maybe we should deport gay people. They out here trippin'."
[laughter]
I just supported you, you need to get out the way
when I'm trying to get-- Every protest should have a ally lane
that I can just slide around and just scooch past.
Washington, D.C., how you doing tonight?
[cheering and applause]
Yeah, good to see you.
Good to see you.
Yeah. Yeah.
You look good.
[cheering and applause continue]
This is D.C.
This is the home of protesting.
Washington, D.C., boy.
This, this is the home of protesting right here, boy.
You got the March on Washington,
you got the Million Man March, the March for Our Lives,
the Women March, January 6th.
All the classics.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
Yo, lemme tell you something about America.
I don't think anybody has handled change worse
than them militia white boys.
[laughter]
Ain't nobody protesting wrong better than them white men
out there dressed in full battle fatigues.
Where you going?
Got the helmet on, got the goggles, got the fatigues,
got the boots on, standing in front of a bakery.
Why are you...
[audience laughing]
...dressed like this to protest gay cakes?
Why you got all that shit on?
You ain't hot?
You ain't got to wear all them layers to protest progress.
Say what you want 'bout the Klan,
but at least that white sheet was breathable.
It was a nice fabric.
[audience laughing]
But we had to know it was coming.
You had to know the militias was coming. You knew it was coming.
It's America. Wh-Wh-What we do in America?
You have progress, then you have backlash.
That's the cycle of this country. Progress, then backlash.
You knew the militias was coming.
J-Just look at the last four, five years.
You can't have the first Black woman vice president,
the first Black woman Supreme Court Justice,
and the first Black woman mermaid. It was too much.
[audience laughing]
And they couldn't handle it.
That mermaid, that's the one that broke 'em,
that damn mermaid.
When they did that Little Mermaid remake,
they was like, "Oh no, brothers!
"Meet me at the bakery tomorrow, brothers.
[laughter]
"We're losing the White House, we're losing the courthouse.
"There's a nigga fish in the water, brothers.
[audience laughing]
We march!"
[scattered laughter]
[stammers] I don't know if "nigga fish" is what they said at the meeting.
[audience laughing]
But that feels right, that feels...
[audience laughing]
[Roy chuckles]
I don't know if we gonna make it.
We've lost connection.
We haven't been right since COVID, man.
We, we don't talk, we don't interact, we don't chit-chat no more.
We don't, we don't even like talking on the phone.
We get mad if the phone ring.
[audience laughing]
The phone that was invented for talking. You get mad.
[imitating phone ringing] Oh, hell no.
You got to text me first. Don't just be calling me.
Give me a sneak preview of the conversation...
[laughter]
...and then I will decide if this conversation
requires a human connection.
[audience laughing]
You can't live like that, man.
I remember a time when I was-- When I was coming up in America,
I remember a time in the stores, man, we used to have greeters in the store.
Every store used to have a greeter.
They used to have people at the front door of the store
whose only job it was was to just say hello.
That's how important connection was,
just one person, just, "Hi, how you doing?"
Forty hours a week, health and dental.
"How you doing? How you doing?
Hey, thank you for coming."
Connection mattered to companies,
and you was extra special if you went to the store
and you was Black 'cause they had an employee
that would follow you around.
-We was connected. -[laughter and applause]
What happened to connection?
-[audience laughing] -It's gone.
When retail changed,
that's when we changed the way we related to each other.
When retail started getting going left,
that's when the way society interacted with one another started going left.
Got rid of the cashiers, they got self-checkout now.
I don't like it.
I do not work here. I just arrive.
[audience laughing]
But that's what they got now. They got the self-checkout machine
and you don't see no employees when you go in the store no more.
You go to get groceries, ain't no employees in the store.
Only time you see an employee at the grocery store
is when you do self-checkout wrong.
[audience laughing]
That's the only time you see an employee, you done done it wrong,
and then one of them overlords magically appear.
You know, every self-checkout got a overlord
that's watching everybody.
You done scanned your shit wrong, then that loud-ass machine
snitch on you to the whole store.
-[audience laughing] -You done scanned it wrong.
[beeps] "Remove the last item with your stupid ass.
[audience laughing]
You don't know how to scan shit, do you? Boy, get your ass out the way."
That's when the self-checkout overlord come wobbling his ass over.
-"What you done to the machine? -[microphone popping]
-"Get your ass out the way. -[audience laughing]
"You don't even know the code. I gotta put in the code. Hold on.
-[microphone popping] -Alright, try it now."
[audience laughing]
I don't like that.
We need, we need that cashier back.
The grocery store cashier was the connection
-for crazy people... -[audience laughing]
...to feel seen.
There's a lot of people that's alone in a basement
just loading a rifle, and once a week they need a snack.
[audience laughing]
And that cashier was the connection.
That's the job of the cashier,
to make lonely people feel like they have a connection.
Grocery store cashier didn't care who you were.
She's making chit-chat.
While-While-- The whole while your shit coming down the belt.
[beeping]
"I like this flavor too."
[Roy beeping]
That brother go home and feel good about himself.
She asking him about his dog and shit.
[Roy beeping]
"How's Mr. Gibbles?" [beeping]
If you live alone and a cashier ask you about your dog,
you-- that will-- you will ride that high for two months.
You go home and look at that rifle,
"Man, I'm trippin'. Let me put this rifle up.
-[laughter and applause] -[Roy exhales sharply]
"I got a friend at the grocery store. I can't be out here murdering.
[audience laughing]
Got me a friend."
But it's gone.
Retail changed, so it changed how we react to each other.
You go in these stores now, ain't no employees, they gone.
Employees, they-they be mad that you found 'em.
[audience laughing]
Done locked up everything. You go in these stores now,
all these pharmacies and stuff, everything locked up in a damn lock box,
and then they mad at us 'cause we need the key.
[audience laughing]
What you mad at me for?
And you gotta be all humble when you come up to 'em.
You found one that's got a key, you gotta come up to 'em all humbly.
[in deep voice] "Excuse me, ma'am.
-[audience laughing] -"Yeah, good evening. My name is Roy.
"Uh, would it, would it be too much trouble
"if you could come unlock the Mike and Ikes for me?
I just would really love some Mike and Ikes, just..."
[humming]
"Okay." [humming]
[normal voice] You gotta hold they hand too.
[audience laughing]
When you find an employee in the store, you gotta hold they hand.
We go together. We are a couple right now.
[audience laughing]
If you don't hold they hand, somebody'll steal your employee.
These other customers don't give a damn.
You done done two laps around the store
trying to find an employee, and then here comes some new person
coming up to you and your girl, "Excuse me, could you help me?"
-[microphone popping] -She good, bro.
Watch out. She good.
She gonna unlock my Mike and Ikes,
then she'll attend to whatever the hell you need.
Let's go, baby, he don't know our love. Let's go.
[audience laughing]
Stop looking at other customers when you out with me.
[audience laughing]
These employees, man, they're mad and I can't blame 'em.
They underpaid, they overworked, understaffed.
You go in there now, they already uptight.
You go in a fast food spot, God bless you
if you arguing with fast food employees.
[audience laughing]
I don't know what kinda life you living.
I'm not arguing with nobody making my food.
You got it, man, whatever you want me to have.
I don't understand that, man. I seen these fast food fight videos.
You seen the fight videos?
These fight videos getting to-- Am I the only person to notice this?
Is it just me,
or are the fast food employees punching us first?
[audience laughing]
It, it wasn't always like that.
There was a time where you would punch them first,
then we would fight.
But you go in there now, you be like,
"Hey, there was a problem with the Baconator.
-"Oh, oh, I'm sorry. -[audience laughing]
I'm sorry, I-- It's fine. I'll eat it, I'll eat it."
I was watching one of them fast food fight videos.
Every time you see a fight video, there's always somebody in the comments
trying to say something righteous.
[in surly voice] "Well, if they're gonna fight on their job,
well, it looks to me that they're gonna lose their job."
[normal] You think they care about that job?
[audience laughing]
Do you honestly think any fast food employee cares
about losing a fast food job?
Do you think they cannot get another job?
Do you think there is no other fast food place?
I can guarantee you right now, if yous got fired from McDonald's,
Wendy's ain't gonna ask you the reason for leaving.
[audience laughing]
If anything, Wendy's find out you was fighting,
that mean you management material.
-[audience laughing] -Whoop they ass.
It's a job where you can go get another job just like it immediately.
And if you had a job like that, you should be able to whoop ass.
You should be fired for whooping ass, and then just go get a new job
where you can keep whooping ass.
It work for the police. We should be able to do it too.
[cheering and applause]
Look, I'm just saying, if we not gonna get police reform,
we need to be able to move jobs the way the police do.
If, if I get fired from Verizon, that ain't none of T-Mobile's business.
[audience laughing]
Talk to my union rep at the cellphone union.
-[audience laughing] -[Roy chuckles]
Customer service changed, man.
When customer service changed the way we related to one another,
the real world changed.
We lost connection.
Only place I go shop now where I feel like I still have a good time
-is Foot Locker. -[audience laughing]
You get two steps into Foot Locker, them, them referees be on you.
-[audience laughing] -"What's going on, brother?
You want some sneaker cleaner? I got sneaker cleaner."
You feel good in Foot Locker.
You get some service from one of them brothers.
But it's gotta be somebody your age.
That's the one thing about buying shoes, fellas.
If you buy shoes, buy s-- buy shoes from somebody your age.
I'm always looking for salt and pepper in the sales rep face.
You want you one of them salt-and-pepper referees.
You don't want the youngins.
And I, and I don't mean no disrespect to young people,
but it's like, when you, when you older and you buy shoes from a young person,
see, like, young people, young people do this shit
where they try to make you feel cool,
but by trying to make you feel cool, they just make you feel older
-than what you actually-- -[audience laughing]
You go in Foot Locker, one of them youngins come up to you.
"Oh, what's going on, Unc? You want some kicks?"
-What? No. -[laughter and applause]
Don't do that. Don't do that.
Don't call me "Unc". I'm not Unc age yet.
You know what I'm saying? That's a slur.
I don't wanna be called Unc.
[audience laughing]
Call me OG, big dog, pimpin', player.
Like, there are other pronouns that you can call me.
Don't call me that.
That's why I like them salt-and-peppers.
Them salt-and-pepper Foot Locker employees,
oh, them brothers know what you need before you open your mouth.
Soon as you hit the door, them salt-and-peppers be on you.
"Oh, what's going on, big dog?
"I can see what's going on with your posture right there.
-"I see what's happening. -[audience laughing]
"Okay, you need some insoles.
"Let me get you some insoles. Get these right here.
"These the ones right here. These fresh right here.
"They look nice, don't they?
"Yeah, you got the arch support in 'em and all that.
"You get the arch support.
"You put these on, they ain't gonna even notice your hairline,
-"I guarantee you right there. -[laughter]
"These the ones, right here.
"You want-- [mumbles] Yeah, bring me up a size 12
"and the hairlines for big dog.
"Yeah, size 12, he... [muttering]
Yeah, just have a seat right here, brother."
[audience laughing]
You know at Foot Locker now, they got that radio,
they be talking shit about you over the radio.
"Yeah, bring me up a size 12 and a hairline.
"You'll see him up here, yellow jacket.
"Mm-hm, look like Stanley from The Office.
"You'll see him. [mumbles]
[clicking tongue]
"Just have a seat right here, big dog, I got you.
"We gonna get you straight.
[clicking tongue] "Yeah, look like Stanley on Ozempic.
"You'll see him up here. [clicking tongue]
Just have seat right here, big dog. We gonna get you straight, big dog."
-[audience laughing] -[Roy chuckles]
-Y'all can kiss my ass. -[audience laughing]
[Roy laughs]
It's just customer service changed, man.
And we lost connection.
Employees don't care where you-- where--
They give you bad service anywhere now.
'Cause I used to think bad service was like,
"Oh, you're going-- You're having a bad day.
This job is stressful, it's not your fault."
But it's just a situation where nobody feels cared about.
So, why do I care about you when you come in the store?
You'd be surprised some of the places you can get bad service now.
I was, I was at the gun range with my uncle.
[audience laughing]
Yeah, same shit I said.
[audience laughing]
I was at the gun range with my uncle, and I saw somebody
get bad service at the gun range.
Now, you would think if there's ever a place
where the employees should be kind...
it would be the gun range.
How you gonna be rude to somebody who showed up to practice murder?
Do you understand?
[laughter and scattered applause]
That is what a gun range is, it's a murder rehearsal.
These people have showed up to murder rehearsal,
and you gonna be rude to 'em?
Look, I don't know about y'all, but if I'm working at the gun range,
I'm giving Chick-fil-A-level politeness the whole time.
[laughter and applause]
Soon as you walk in, "God bless you.
"Which bazooka would you like to use today?
Okay, we gonna get you straight, big dog."
I was at the gun store with my uncle,
and we're picking out targets to shoot.
And this man comes in behind us.
And I, and I, I-I don't know how to describe this man,
other than his upper body
never pointed the same way as his lower body.
-[audience laughing] -You ever, you ever seen one of these?
You know? You know what I'm talking about?
One of them broken GI Joe, the rubber band ain't right.
[audience laughing]
Buddy, buddy, buddy crept up in that bitch.
He came up, he came up to the counter.
He go, he go...
[deep voice] "I'd like seven shotguns, please."
[normal] Seven? That's what I said.
I was like, "Damn."
-[audience laughing] -Feels like a lot.
I don't own a gun. Maybe, maybe shotguns
come in a seven-pack, I-I don't know.
[audience laughing]
But it didn't feel right.
This man walked up to the counter, he goes,
"I'd like seven shotguns, please."
This all the cashier did, cashier was doing some paperwork.
Cashier go...
"Well, if you don't point to the one you want,
I guess you ain't gonna get it now, are you?"
-I said, "Whoa!" -[audience laughing]
I stepped in like a supervisor.
I said, "That's not how we gonna treat this customer."
[audience laughing]
"How you doing, sir? Good to meet you. Roy.
I got the salt and pepper. Let me handle this sitch."
[audience laughing]
This man is asking for seven shotguns,
and you just gonna act like this is normal?
I ain't say-- Legally, you probably still gotta sell 'em to him,
but as you putting the shotguns on the counter, make some chit-chat.
"Hey, seven shotguns? No problem, sir.
"Uh, listen, uh, are you c-celebrating anything in particular?
"What's going on? Just wondering, just wondering.
It ain't no big deal, yeah."
Seven is not a normal amount. I don't care what you buying.
You going through some shit if you done bought seven of the thing.
If you saw me at Burger King tonight
eating seven Whoppers, check on me.
-[laughter and applause] -Please.
Somethin' wrong.
I would hope when I order seven Whoppers at the counter,
that the cashier would come from around the counter.
-"Baby, don't do this. -[audience laughing]
"Don't do this to yourself, young man.
"You are loved. You don't need seven Whoppers.
"Bow your head and say the Burger King prayer with me, baby.
We love Jesus, yeah."
[audience laughing]
We're just, we're just in a weird place, man...
where your happiness-- you got to identify when you're happy.
Identify who you talked to that day, that week,
the foods you ate, and figure out a way to recreate that over and over.
You have to be intentional about happiness...
-[audience member] Yeah. -...the same when you do cardio...
-[audience applauding] -...and anything else you do.
Like, creating an environment for yourself
'cause if you not careful, technology will trip you up.
Technology is set up to make us sad,
and we won't even be realizing it half the time.
Algorithm make you sad, and then when you good and sad,
it show you something to buy so you'll feel better.
[audience laughing]
Facebook showing you pictures from eight years ago
with people you don't even talk to no more.
You're sad.
Account security questions, that's the one that'll really trip you up.
If you ain't careful, boy, them account security questions,
-that shit'll ruin your day. -[audience laughing]
I got locked out my bank account, got sad.
Them account security questions, they are set up to make you sad.
They all happy questions.
Sometimes you ain't in a mood for no happy questions.
Like, af-after a, after a certain age,
account security questions are just us
reminiscing about when life was better.
[audience laughing]
That's all an account security question is.
It's just to reminisce about the good old day--
Remember that dog you had?
-What was that dog? -[audience laughing]
What was his name? What was the name?
You know, the one that died. Yeah, what was that dog's name?
Oh, he was a good dog, wasn't he? Yeah.
Then your uncle ran him over with his Cutlass.
What was his name?
[audience laughing]
What street did you grow up on?
-[audience laughing] -Remember that house?
Remember when you had a home filled with love?
What street?
-[audience laughing] -That was a good house, wasn't it?
Yeah, it was a good time.
And then your daddy got your auntie pregnant,
-but what street? -[audience laughing]
What street was that house on before your daddy got your auntie pregnant
and now you got a brother-cousin?
What's your brother-cousin's name?
What house? What street did you grow up on
with your brother-cousin? Remember your brother-cousin?
-[audience laughing] -You at the computer crying.
[wailing]
Why you doing this to me? I just wanna know my balance.
Get locked out your bank account.
Now you gotta answer a riddle about yourself.
[audience laughing]
[high-pitched voice] Oh, guesses thrice, become guesses twice.
[cackles]
[normal] Damn computer goblin.
[high-pitched] What is the high school mascot?
[laughs]
[audience laughing]
[normal] What's my balance, bitch? I just want--
[audience laughing]
Account security questions should just be pain.
It should be the most painful stuff you've ever experienced
'cause then you'd never get hacked.
We don't share pain, we never share pain.
We share joy all the time on social media.
That's why we get hacked. You know why you getting hacked?
Half the answers to your account security questions
are on your social media timeline.
Every day, you share answers to your-- the most sacred shit.
"Hey, Instagram, make sure you wish my mama a happy birthday.
"This is my mama, Rose Turner Jenkins.
-"Turner, Turner, Turner. -[audience laughing]
"Here's a picture of me at the zoo with my favorite animal, giraffe.
"I like giraffe, giraffe, giraffe
with my mama's maiden name, Turner. Turner giraffe."
[audience laughing]
And you wonder why you're getting hacked.
[audience laughing]
Account security questions should be shit that you don't even share with God.
[audience laughing]
Gotta lean into that pain.
That's the type of question.
You put a [stammers] nice painful question up there,
oh, ain't nobody gonna hack you.
What's the name of the woman you should've married,
-but didn't 'cause you was scared... -[audience laughing]
...and you wish she'd take you back, and she kinda wants to take you back,
but she can't 'cause if she takes you back,
she loses the respect of her friends, and she really needs her friends
'cause her friends held her down when you were a piece of shit.
-What's her name? -[audience laughing]
Yeah, and then I type in [bleep] and now I can check my balance.
[audience laughing]
Oh, wait, that was the real name, shit.
I'm supposed to say Tasha.
-[audience laughing] -[Roy chuckles]
We're just not connected, man.
We gotta, we gotta do what we can to just try to connect with people.
'Cause you start having conversations with folks here and there,
and you start realizing, alright,
I might not agree with everything you stand on,
but some of the stuff, we actually a little closer.
You just never know, man.
I accidentally hired a white photographer.
[audience laughing]
-Alright, let me rephrase that. -[audience laughing]
I hired a photographer.
I did not know he was white until he showed up to the gig.
And he shows up-- 'Cause, like, a-as, as a comedian,
when you, when you perform, right,
and you're traveling, you get emailed all the time.
Whatever city you going to, people, artists who live in that city,
"Hey, man, I'm a cook. You need me to cook something for you?"
"I do graphic design. Let me make a flyer up for you."
Just, just hustling. I respect it.
And I get a email from a dude.
"Hey, man, I like pictures. Do you like pictures?"
-"Oh yeah, I like pictures." -[audience laughing]
"You want me to come take the pictures?"
"Like, yeah, come on, take the pictures.
I'll see you next week, Dion."
And I get on the plane and I head down...
[audience laughing]
Yeah, you see what I'm saying?
[audience laughing]
I-I-I don't know no white Dions either.
[audience laughing]
Never met one, never met a white Dion.
[audience laughing]
I go in the green room and I see a man in his early 50s,
maybe mid-50s, and bald head, just cut diesel.
Just all the muscles.
All the mu-- You ever seen somebody, l-like,
like, you-you ever seen somebody with so many muscles,
you just want to go up to him, and be like, "Hey, you did it."
[audience laughing]
"You did it, you got 'em all. You got all the muscles.
"You can stop now. You can stop.
You know you don't have to go no more."
'Cause he had the abs, and then he had some of these.
-I don't even know what these do. -[audience laughing]
He had them round-the-corner side muscle, the side muscle.
[audience laughing]
And he's just ripped.
This boy is ripped with the, with the military tats
up and down both arms and, like, not like a regular unit tat.
Like, I don't know if you ever seen like a regular military tattoo.
It's just-- It's a tank and a flag. "E pluribus unum."
But this boy had, had a-- he had like a animal,
a death threat, then a Bible verse, like that.
[audience laughing]
You ever seen them, you know, them mission, special forces tattoos?
"Devil dog, kill 'em all, Jesus, forgive me."
-And it's like, "Whoa." -[audience laughing]
"Kill 'em all"? You--
No witnesses? We killing 'em all?
And, like, that's what I'm walking into.
Just a dude with these cut diesel--
"Demon dolphin, put 'em all in coffins, Psalms 31."
-I'm like, "Whoa." -[audience laughing]
I'm in a room with a demon dolphin.
So, I walk in the room and I look at Dion.
First thing I do is pay him.
[audience laughing]
[scattered applause]
Certain people you pay up front. [mumbling]
[audience laughing]
You don't want no outstanding debts with no demon dolphin.
[audience laughing]
And we start talking.
We start talking about his life, and the tattoos,
and he's, he's done four tours for this country,
and came back like most vets, to a country
that doesn't understand what he went through.
And the people who do understand what he went through
aren't giving him the support he needs to get back on his feet back home.
Can't get a job because they say you're acting too weird.
Well, I'm acting weird because I can't get the medicine
that the VA promised me when I went over there to defend the people
that don't appreciate me because they say I'm acting weird.
They don't understand what I'm going through.
-And... -[audience applauding]
and he, and he starts talking to me about how photography was his one thing.
This was the one thing that he loved doing that kept him calm.
It gave him a sense of mission and a sense of objective
when he's back in the States.
I'm like, "That's dope, man." He goes, "Yeah, man, I like the camera
'cause, you know, I get to look down the crosshair and still shoot people."
[audience laughing]
Yeah, and I was like, "Uh-huh, yeah."
Yeah. It's a demon dolphin.
You don't question no demon dolphin.
It's a demon dolphin, fourth battalion, you be quiet.
So, a random person emailed me and we had an amazing moment,
that when I first replied to the email, it meant nothing to me.
But you could tell it meant something-- Like when you talk to certain people,
you can tell when the moment means more to them.
Just off the handshake. Dion was getting ready
to leave the green room and get to work, and he shook my hand.
It was just in a way, I can't explain it, it's just the way he shook my hand
and he hit me with the...
-[audience laughing] -Like, the men know.
You get the single handshake with the single...
[audience laughing]
...with the nod. Single shake with the nod? Oh.
[laughter and scattered applause]
[deep voice] "I just want to tell you...
"how much this means to me tonight, brother.
Thank you."
[normal] And I was like, "Wow."
-He was about to kill some people. -[audience laughing]
I could see it in his eyes.
That boy was getting ready to murder.
And then he saw my email.
We'll never know how many lives I saved that day...
-because I took a chance on a white man. -[applause]
That boy was at the house loading that rifle,
then he saw my email, "Ping!"
"Man, I'm trippin'. Let me put this gun up.
[laughter and applause]
"I got me a gig tomorrow.
-Can't be out here murdering." -[audience laughing]
Even if he was gonna shoot some people,
man, I knew he wasn't gonna shoot me.
[audience laughing]
'Cause that's the thing in this country, man.
We don't connect with people, and then we find out immediately
how little we know about people after they have a nervous breakdown.
You know, anytime somebody have a nervous breakdown,
go crazy in public, they always talk to the neighbor.
"So, did you know the shooter?"
I'm like, "Mm-mm. He-He seemed like a pretty nice guy."
[audience laughing]
"Yeah, I bet he did. He didn't try to shoot you."
"Did you know the shooter?"
"Yeah. You know, he just kind of kept to himself.
Seemed like a pretty nice guy."
We should be embarrassed that we live right across the street from somebody,
and the best we can offer when they go crazy is what they seem like.
"He seemed like a [mumbles]." Just tell the truth, tell the truth then.
Stop acting like he was a good neighbor. He wasn't.
-You was scared just like me. -[audience laughing]
"So, did you know the shooter?"
"Well, hell yeah, but I ain't say shit to his ass.
"That boy walked like this, I say, 'Uh-uh.'
Had seven shotguns and everything. I said, 'I can't do that.'"
[scattered laughter]
That's why I wasn't nervous when Dion came in the green room.
I was like, "I'm chilling, man.
"Had a good conversation with this brother.
"I-I feel like he got it together.
And even if he don't, I know he ain't gonna shoot me."
[audience laughing]
I'm good in the hood. I might get mentioned in the manifesto.
[audience laughing]
'Cause, you know, that's what they do after they go crazy.
They, they, they, they, you know, they kill and then they,
they write that letter, and then at the bottom of the letter,
it be all the shout-outs at the bottom of the manifesto.
Like, a album liner, like when you buy CDs
and it be the shout-outs in the CD, that's where I'ma be.
Dion gonna mention me at the bottom of his manifesto.
"And the shooter concluded by saying,
'See you all in hell, except for Roy Wood, Jr.'"
[laughter and applause]
And then the media come by my house, "Uh, so did you know the killer?"
"He seemed like a pretty nice guy."
[laughter and applause]
[Roy chuckles]
We just gotta have connection, man.
Gotta work at it.
It's hard making friends in your 40s.
It's different, right? I've been trying.
The, the issue with making friends in your 40s
is that we try too hard to make these friends
like the friends we got roots with, and you can't do that.
You cannot have a new 40-year-old friend
that hit the same as the 20-year-old friend.
Like, anybody you met when you were still eating ramen,
that's just a different type of friend.
-[audience laughing] -When y'all was in the struggle together,
any friendship that's baptized in poverty...
[laughter and applause]
...that's a friend.
You eating ramen together, you're splitting pizzas together.
And I think that's the mistake we make.
We try to make new friends, and then get mad
'cause these friends ain't moving the way the other friend--
They 45, they not gonna fight with you.
[audience laughing]
You need to get one of them ramen noodle friends to fight with you.
'Cause that's when-- that's the mistake we make.
We make a friend, and then try to get that friend
to do too many different things that we like to do.
You can't do that.
You can't take your restaurant friend on vacation.
[audience laughing]
Your restaurant friend don't wanna go outside.
Why are you taking them to the tropics?
-They are an air-conditioned friend. -[audience laughing]
And you take an air-conditioned friend outside in the heat,
then get mad 'cause they malfunctioning.
[audience laughing]
That's on you.
You gotta compartmentalize them friends.
Restaurant friends stay restaurant.
Book club stay book club. Vacation stay vacation.
I learned that from watching my mom.
My mom, the way she navigates friendship now at 75,
when you've lost friends, you've lost your ramen noodle friends.
And now, she's finding new people to hang with.
And it's beautiful to see, man.
It's beautiful, [stammers] and it's weird because my mom is 75,
she's worked in higher education since she was, like, maybe 22, 23 years old.
Still works to this day in Birmingham. And-And I, I hate it.
[cheering and applause]
It's the only thing me and my mom argue about.
The only thing we argue about is me wanting her to retire.
"Why you, why you, why you keep working that job?"
"Why you don't get you some business?"
[audience laughing]
You know, that's what Black mamas, man, "You need to get you some business."
I don't like it, you know?
"You've done more than enough for the community."
You can relax 'cause that's every son's dream.
Every son's dream, every child's dream is to retire their parents.
"You ain't got to do this no more, Mama, I got you."
Not realizing that we're creating a disconnect for our parents.
"But I saw you work, I saw you bust your ass
"for five, six decades.
"And it's thankless. It's education.
"You ain't gonna make bank on it.
"So, relax, you've done your best. Relax.
"I just talked to Trevor Noah.
"He getting ready to quit the show, I'ma be the host.
"You can, you can relax, Mama.
-[cheering and applause] -"You can stop.
[cheering and applause continue]
We 'bout to hit a lick, Joyce."
[applause]
Yeah, I, I had to call my mama back six months later.
-"You didn't quit yet, did you? -[audience laughing]
"Okay, good, good, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Gotta, gotta go to plan B over here.
Gotta go to plan B. Yeah, yeah, yeah."
[audience laughing]
-[audience member] Woo! -That's a true story, that's a...
-[audience laughing] -...that's a true story.
My mama called me as soon as I left The Daily Show.
"So, what if I had listened to your stupid ass?"
[audience laughing]
"Get you some business."
[audience laughing]
[scattered laughter continues]
I told my mom...
asked my mom last year if she would quit,
and she hit me with a question I couldn't answer.
She said, "Quit and do what and with who?"
[audience members] Hmm.
And I didn't have no answers to that, so...
she's gotta lay it down.
She's figured out a way to make community for herself.
She figured out a way to reach out, stays connected with old friends.
We got to all do that. Everybody in this room,
I guarantee you, everybody in this room, you got at least one person
you've been meaning to call this year, you still ain't called 'em.
You gotta make that change. Text that person.
See if it's okay to call.
[audience laughing]
And create a connection.
All we-- All you gotta do is find the one thing you like doing.
Find other people who like doing that, and do that with those people.
That's all my mama does, and it's-- and it works for her perfectly.
She got Bible study, got the book club.
You just have to do that, and like, on-once you, once you start doing that,
it's easy to create connections.
I got invited to a sex party this year.
[audience laughing]
[stammering] Let me explain.
[audience laughing]
But-- And my first thought when I got the invite to the sex party,
I was like, "Finally, the Illuminati...
-[audience laughing] -...is recognizing your boy's talents."
Been doing this shit since '98.
How long was it gonna take to get the sex party invite?
[audience laughing]
I did a segment for Daily Show about the porn industry,
and I interviewed this husband-and-wife team,
King Noire, and his wife, Jet Setting Jasmine,
and we just hit it off. I don't know how to describe it
other than we just became cool.
So, about a year after the story airs,
King calls me completely out the blue.
[deep voice] "Hey, hey, Roy."
[breathing heavily]
[audience laughing]
[normal] Porn stars always sound like they just got done...
[audience laughing]
...with a scene. They're like, "And cut."
[deep voice] "Hey, Roy."
[audience laughing]
[breathing heavily]
[normal] He called me and he go, he go,
[deep voice] "Hey, Roy, it's King and Jazz.
"Jazz and I were wondering, um, if you would be into something
"we want to invite you to.
"See, every year, about eight of us
"get together down in Puerto Rico.
"We go down to a villa in Puerto Rico.
"And for seven days and seven nights, we all get together
and we explore the limitations of our sexuality."
[audience laughing]
[normal] Same shit I said, I was like, "What do you mean,
limitations of sexuality, huh?"
He never said "sex" or "party". I'm like, "What?" [stammering]
I have sex sometimes, and I, I am fine with the parameters I've set up.
[audience laughing]
I do not need a challenge.
I ain't never been done having sex, and like,
"Get off of me. I need a challenge!"
[audience laughing]
What do you, what do you mean parameters?
And he sends me a link.
He sends me a link to what they have set up.
It's called "The Freak Show in Puerto Rico."
-That's what they call it. -[audience laughing]
And Freak Show in Puerto Rico,
it's exactly what he described. It's seven days, seven nights.
Each day is a different freaky-ass sexual discipline
that you learn from experts that they've flown in.
They fly in, like, sex therapists,
and, like, day one is just tantric massage.
Day two is, like, freaky sex toy.
Day three, tie up-- tie each other up.
Day four, safe choking. Just weird...
A-And, and a chef. There's also a chef...
[audience laughing]
...because you gonna get hungry. There's no time to go nowhere.
You just sucking and slurping for seven days around the clock.
And that's the part that I didn't like about the Puerto Rican thing,
was that there was no outdoor activities.
[audience laughing]
We ain't going jet skiing, we ain't zip-lining.
We just, just in the house for seven days.
"Am I doing it right? Is this how I do it?"
[laughter and scattered applause]
Just seven days of safe choking? That's what we doing?
Like, you can't do that to people.
And God bless the chef.
-You know that wasn't his dream. -[audience laughing]
This poor bastard.
This man is making omelets at a orgy...
-[audience laughing] -...in Puerto Rico.
That was not his dream as a chef.
He done went to France, learned all the sauces and the drizzles.
He want his own food truck, he want a Michelin star.
But instead, he's in the corner just... [muttering]
[audience laughing]
"Excuse me, did you said you wanted green peppers in yours?
Okay." [mumbling indistinctly]
[audience laughing]
That's not fair. It's not fair.
-[audience laughing] -[Roy chuckles]
So, I sent the link to my mom.
[audience laughing]
Y-You never know, her book club friends might wanna be in it.
Puerto Rican outside for--
No, I, I sent it to her because like-- Alright, so...
-[laughs] -[audience laughing]
so when I first started doing stand-up, I was 19,
and I rode the bus wherever I went.
The first two years of stand-up was strictly Greyhound and public transit.
And I would sleep in the bus station
of whatever city I was headed to to perform
'cause I wasn't making enough for hotels.
And I was sleeping in a bus station back home in Birmingham one night.
And one of my mom's students saw me sleeping at the bus station,
snitched on me to my mom.
-[audience laughing] -And my mom, instead of trippin'
and really acting a fool,
she put a down payment on a car so I could travel more safely.
And so, the deal was, with this car, was that, "Get your grades
"and you can use the car to do comedy.
"I don't like it, but just don't--
Stop sleeping at a bus. Please stop."
[audience laughing lightly]
And the deal was, every Monday, I called my mom
to let her know that I'm back home safe.
And over the course of 26, 27 years or whatever of doing this,
that Monday "I'm okay" phone call has turned into me calling my mom
and telling her what's going on in my career, my life.
It's the one guaranteed day every week that we catch up
and actually talk about what's going on in the world.
And it's brought us closer, and it's something we've done since '98.
-[applause] -So...
so I'm well within line to send my mother a link...
[audience laughing]
...to the Puerto Rican suck-and-slurp.
[audience laughing]
And, you know, I sent it to my mom thinking she was gonna laugh at it.
You know it-- Like, it's gonna make her uncomfortable.
Look. [stammering] People doing freaky shit.
They're doing crazy. Don't you be going to Bible study?
-[mumbles] -[audience laughing]
I sent my mom the link to the Puerto Rican house party stuff,
and my mom just called me back and she said,
"What's wrong with two people seeking connection
with strangers in a world this crazy?"
[laughter and applause]
And I was like, "Damn, Joyce, you right.
You done got me again!"
It may not be what I'm into, but, you know,
you gotta respect the fact that King and his wife asked--
Oh, I didn't go to the party, by the way.
[audience laughing]
I know that's all y'all been wondering this whole damn time.
"Did you go to the Puerto Ri--"
No, I did not go to the P-- It's too-- Eight people?
No, you can't start-- I ain't never had a threesome.
You can't start with eight people...
[audience laughing]
...as your debut into orgy.
Eight people?!
It's too many people!
You standing there in a circle.
How you know your meat gon' even work in front of eight?
[audience laughing]
It's eight of y'all in a room, your meat all soft, that's embarrassing.
[audience laughing]
You standing in the r-- I tell y'all right now,
if I walk into the Puerto Rican orgy and there's seven people in the room
laughing at me 'cause I can't get an erection,
all y'all got to die.
[audience laughing]
I'm not letting you take this story back to the States.
You got to die, all seven of--
I'd walk out the room and go to the nearest Puerto Rican gun store
and I'd walk up in that bitch.
"I need seven shotguns, please."
[cheering and applause]
[people whistling]
[cheering and applause continue]
I'd kill everybody, they'd come back and talk to the omelet man.
"Did you know the killer?"
"He seemed like a pretty nice guy.
[audience laughing]
You said you wanted bell peppers in yours?"
[audience laughing]
[Roy chuckling]
I don't know, man.
Connection is hard.
It's hard.
Even in, like, trying to, like, meet someone to love, you know?
Like, that's a-- It's a tough thing.
You gotta be careful about that too, because... we're-we're, you know,
you-you get handcuffed by the fear of being hurt,
so you don't connect, or you get handcuffed by the fear of,
"If I leave, what else is out there?"
So, you don't disconnect.
Find yourself with the wrong person, you gonna be in the house
and you still gonna be alone.
[audience murmuring]
You know, and-and-and it's, it's one of those things where...
you have to really look and seek it.
Happiness, love, all of that.
'Cause when you see it every now and then, even in other people...
it's kinda, it's kinda nice.
It's kinda nice.
You'd be on the plane, somebody come,
"Excuse me, could I, could I switch seats with you,
so I could sit with my wife?"
-And I say no. -[audience laughing]
I say no.
This plane ride is a test of your love.
[audience laughing]
Can you survive three hours...
in separate seats, or not?
That's not a, that's not a real couple if you got to sit together.
Real couples be like, "Meet me at baggage claim."
-You're like, "Okay." -[laughter and applause]
I'm-I'm not finna inconvenience myself for two people who ain't gonna make it.
They're not gonna make it.
I mean, look at you, y'all ain't gonna make it.
[audience laughing]
But when you see love, man, when you see two people
truly meant for each other,
it will blow you away when you see it, man.
You ev-- You ever, you ever, like, seen somebody,
like, a couple so happy, it ruined the date that you on?
[audience laughing]
Okay, just me? I'm the only one?
-Okay. -[audience laughing]
[Roy laughing]
It'll mess you up, man. You see two people really happy
that's supposed to be together, man, it'll ruin you.
It'll ruin your night.
I went out, I went out with this woman, we had been dating for about a year.
She has, she has a 5-year-old, and she calls me up one day,
and the, and the relationship had gotten to a point where,
"Hey, you can meet my son now, let's go."
He wants to go to this, this, this bubble show, the bubble man.
And he wants to see the bubble man. And I'm like, "Alright, fine.
"It's the bubble man.
How much is the bubble man? Let's go see the bubble man."
These tickets were $74 plus fees.
[audience laughing]
And I, I called her back after I looked at the website.
I was like, "Why do we need to see this bubble man?
[audience laughing]
"You know, I can do bubbles. I've done bubbles.
"I can go to Walgreens, buy the bubble tube, and...
[mumbles, blows] bubbles."
'Cause you think bubbles, you think, like,
just, like, a bubble birthday party in the park.
Just some alcoholic magician, just, "Hey. [blows]
Yeah, bubbles." [blows]
You know the ones, you gotta pay him in cash
'cause the garnishments keep hitting' him out.
[laughter and scattered applause]
But she, she sends me a link, and I go to this website
and it's this dude in New York and he does this bubble show.
And we go to the bubble show,
and I'm $200 in the hole, before popcorn.
So, I'm already a little perturbed.
Why is this $74?
Why are we paying $74 for the damn bubble man?
And we, and we walk in the theater, and it's huge.
It's like this, it's like 1,000 people.
And it's like Blue Man Group, Vegas, Cirque du Soleil.
Like, he had lasers, and smoke, and lights, and capes,
and drapes, and, like-- And-And he's got this bucket.
He's got this bucket of bubble juice that's just right there.
And he comes out-- Bubble man don't say "good evening" or nothing.
Motherfucker just-- He just come out...
[mumbling, singing gibberish]
And he pull out a rope and he dips the rope in the soap.
And then he just nunchucks a bubble.
[audience laughing]
And I'm like, okay, solid opener. Solid opener.
[audience laughing]
Didn't use no breath or nothing, just... [imitating nunchucks whipping]
just, uh, uh, uh, nunchucked a bubble.
He dips the rope again, puts a bubble around that bubble.
Dips it again, puts a bubble around that bubble.
Gets a ring, puts a bubble around those bubbles.
Gets blue and green food coloring, drips it on the top,
it starts drizzling down and looking like the Earth.
He turn on a fan, that bitch started rotating.
I said, "Oh, shit!"
[audience laughing]
This is worth $74 and fees.
[laughter and applause]
Bubble man was holding court, and it was beautiful.
And at this point, the child that I'm supposed to be bonding with
is trying to talk to me.
-And I'm like, "Shut your ass up!" -[audience laughing]
"Do you see what he just did with soap and water?"
He nunchucked the Earth, took a straw,
pulled smoke out the smoke machine like hookah,
and was putting it inside of bubbles!
For 45 minutes, bubble man made whatever the hell these kids named.
They called out airplanes, giraffes, lions,
and he just making it look-- "Voom," and blow it at your ass.
-[audience laughing] -He's bringing kids on the stage,
like five-year-olds, four-year-olds, three-year-olds,
putting 'em on stage, and then he just put 'em in a bubble,
and the kids would lose their shit. "Ah!"
-[audience laughing] -"Oh, bubble! My God!"
And you could only do that with children.
You cannot bring adults up and put them in bubble.
We can't be happy that long.
We, we got pain. We got bills.
[audience laughing]
You a 50-year-old, you come up there, "And, bubble."
"Hey."
[audience laughing]
[sniffling]
-[microphone popping] -"Get my ass up out this bubble."
[laughter and applause]
[Roy chuckles]
About 45 minutes into the show...
the screen comes down.
And on the screen, a video starts playing.
And in the video, it's a video of bubble man as a child.
And in the video, he's blowing bubbles.
That's it. It's nothing complicated.
He's on the porch and he,
[blowing sharply] and he blows a bubble,
and he looks at it float away.
And he'd do another dip.
[blows sharply]
And blow the bubble... and watch it float away.
Bubble man gets a microphone, speaks for the first time that night.
He comes up, he goes...
"All my life...
[in unknown accent] I love de bubbles."
[audience laughing]
[normal] He, he had a accent, I don't know from where.
-[audience laughing] -But he was from a place, he...
It wasn't here, he was from... [mumbles] Somewhere.
[unknown accent] "As a child, every day,
"I observe the beauty of the bubble.
[audience laughing]
"And it is from that very bubble...
"I learn an important message.
"The message the bubble teach me...
"no matter how perfect a moment may be...
always remember that moment will leave you."
-[audience murmuring] -[audience member] Damn!
[normal] That's what I said, I was like, "Damn!"
-[audience laughing] -It's a little dark, bubble man.
[audience laughing]
It's kids in here. Why are you talking like that?
But he brought it back. He yo-yoed it right back.
He goes, [in unknown accent] "But what I also learned
"from the same bubble...
[audience laughing]
"even when a perfect moment leaves you,
"we must always remember,
we have the power to create another perfect moment."
[normal] And he... [blows sharply]
he blew the bubble.
And I was like, "Oh, my God.
[audience laughing]
"What the hell is happening?
-This man is dropping knowledge!" -[audience laughing]
Bubble man connected with me faster than any pastor,
faster than any therapist.
This is a crazy message.
"Don't give up. Even though something is disappointing,
just know that you might have an opportunity to create another moment."
That's-- [stammers] That's why the tickets was $74.
This shit was therapy.
[laughter and applause]
This wasn't no $74.
-That was a copay, that's... -[audience laughing]
...that's why these tickets was that expensive.
Bubble man broke us down, man.
We were sitting in the crowd getting ready, we were about to cry.
And then it's time for the grand finale. The screen go up.
Two more bubble juice buckets come up out the stage.
He got two ropes now. He double-dipped 'em,
and now bubble man is nunchucking bubbles.
And so, the whole time he's doing this, on this side of the stage,
a woman has walked out onto the stage.
We, we do not know who this woman is.
She-- We have not seen her the whole show.
It's just a woman, and she's walking all sexy to the center of the stage,
and the kids are losing their shit 'cause this is their dude.
"Bubble man, watch out! Watch--"
We don't know, we don't know if this
some Will Smith, slap-the-shit-out-you type moment.
-[audience laughing] -So, we're scared.
This woman slinks out to the stage.
Bubble man turned and look at her, she turn and look at bubble man.
She pull out a rope, she dip it.
She started making bubbles better than his ass did
for the first 45 minutes.
And now, they're in a battle.
He make the bubble, she make the bubble.
He'd make two bubbles, she'd make three bubbles.
He'd make four bubbles, she'd make eight bubbles.
And they going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.
And they get closer to the middle, the woman pulls out her jump rope,
dips the jump rope in the soap, skips it,
puts them both inside of a bubble...
-and they kiss. -[audience gasps and applauds]
And the screen comes down, and on the screen,
it's a picture of both of them at their wedding day.
[audience] Aw.
-And I'm sitting there... -[audience laughing]
[scattered applause]
Do you understand how wild that is
to see the only man on Earth
who loves bubbles...
has somehow found the only woman on Earth
who also loves bubbles?
And together, they travel the country for $74 a ticket plus fees...
-[applause] -...preaching a message of positivity
to strangers and children.
And it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.
I've never seen two people more perfect for each other
than bubble man and his wife, my grandparents included.
-[audience laughing] -I've never seen two people more perfect.
It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
I've never seen two people more meant to be together.
And I turned to the woman that I came there with and I said,
"I don't think we gonna make it."
[cheering and applause]
Washington, D.C.
[cheering and applause continue]
Thank you all so, so much for coming out.
This means the world to me. I appreciate you all, man.
This is love. Thank you so much, D.C.
Respect to you.
And shout out to my FAMU Rattlers in the building.
[cheering and applause continue]
King, what's up, baby?
Yo, yeah, yeah, I called you earlier. I got a question about Puerto Rico.
Yeah, yeah, lemme get outside. It's a little noisy in here.
-Great show. -Oh, thank you, thank you.
Yeah, lemme get outside so I can hear you.
Yeah, I got a question about Puerto Rico, man.
What the other people look like who gonna be there?
If it's, if it's me, you, and Jazz,
what are the other five? Oh, you got-- Yeah, send me the pictures.
Mm, oof.
I don't think the schedule gonna work out.
No, no, it's not, it's not gonna work, man.
No, my whole family's sick. I gotta take care of my whole family.
Everybody in my family just got sick.
Maybe another time. Have fun, though.